10 Questions: Honky Tonk Kid wrestles with his past
As with Oedipus and Luke Skywalker before him, Vancouver professional wrestler the Honky Tonk Kid has serious daddy issues. Claiming to be the illegitimate son of former WWF champion the Honky Tonk Man, the Kid grew up watching his estranged pappy living a life of sideburns, Cadillacs and comfort, while his spawn toiled away in obscurity… and Port Coquitlam. Now the alleged junior is ready to collect on the debt he feels he’s rightfully owed. Between greasing his hair and wallowing in years of resentment, the Honky Tonk Kid found time to grapple with the Courier’s 10 questions and discuss his upcoming match with the Honky Tonk Man Aug. 25 at the Russian Community Centre, his religious past and the warm, fatherly embrace he’s longed for.
1. Early in your career you were a religious, Bible-thumping wrestler known as the Divine Prophet. How did your transformation into the Honky Tonk Kid occur?
I did enjoy a long reign as ECCW [Elite Canadian Championship Wrestling] spiritual guru the Divine Prophet, including capturing the ECCW tag team championship belts. I almost forgot about that—hard to believe with all the posters I put up around the house, and by house I mean soiled van. However, the third time my flock of hand-chosen righteous warriors turned on me and left me abandoned and alone, I decided to flock off back to Bountiful, B.C., where I was raised, to investigate my real family, considering my spiritual family was a bit of a letdown. That’s when I faced the hard truth that I wasn’t a virginal birth.
2. As a child, did you look up to the Honky Tonk Man?
I’m sure in a way I did look up to my father, however electricity was and is shunned where I grew up, and I wouldn’t gaze on his countenance ’til years later, on TV at a bar where my mother would leave me while she went to “work.”
3. What do you hope to accomplish by confronting the Honky Tonk Man in the ring?
He will instantly recognize me as his son and take me to Honkywood where I will become (rightfully) rich and famous and rule the wrestling world like a golden god without rival. If this doesn’t happen, I have a backup plan of beating him to death in the ring and bathing ritualistically in his blood to absorb his powers… What can I say, you can take me out of the cult, but you can’t take the cult out of me. I’m old fashioned in a lot of ways.
4. How would you describe your skill set?
I don’t do much, but what I do, I do well. Things like losing my temper and shouting abuse exclusively at people smaller than me has gotten me this far. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
5. The Honky Tonk Man is nearly 60 years old. Do you feel guilty for fighting an old man?
Honky has been around the block. The most famous have been through the dance with the big man. That just makes him more dangerous. Like a martial arts master, he has passed from the physical to the magical. I could never dream of snatching the pebble from his hand. However, my very existence is proof of his one weakness… THE GROIN!
6. What kind of wrestling related injuries have you suffered?
A damaged sense of humility, inflamed ego and a mess of other sh** a little ointment cleared up, so I’m ready to play ball, ladies.
7. What do you do for fun outside the ring?
I like to write letters to various people. Like to my father, and ask questions like “What’s your favourite food?” or “Why do I exist?” Sometimes I like to burn these letters and mix the ashes with body fluids to make a cocktail of sorts. I also like to pet dogs and cats at the S.P.C.A. I’ve never looked into their eyes and seen judgment.
8. Why should people come out to see the Honky Tonk Kid wrestle the Honky Tonk Man?
This event is the most important thing in my whole life. It’s when all the naysayers are silenced, when everyone whoever said “That’s just some messed up dude” is shamed. A point in wrestling history and human development that will be remembered by generations. “Where were you when Honky vs. Honky went down?” At home on the couch watching reruns of Two and a Half Men? No baby… you was front row. Witness the ascension.
9. What’s your fight prediction?
When my father lays eyes on me, he will fall to his knees weeping and pray that I forgive him. Which I may do in time, after years of trying to drown out the bad memories in an ocean of money. Failing this, he will come to his senses no doubt after a long loving hug while he is unconscious.
10. Do you think you’ll finally resolve your father issues?
The only daddy issue I have is that my daddy ain’t here with me right now, and mark my words, once I get my hands on him I’ll never ever let him go. He owes me for every insult I ever had to endure, for every time anyone has ever looked down on me, for every time I went to jail. I think about how different my life would have been, the advantages I should’ve had… Well, I’m not waiting in line no more: Aug. 25 at the Russian Community Centre, Honky on Honky crime. Daddy, you’re gonna pay.